“I guess I’m tired of speaking/Tired of hiding and seeking/You were my favorite weakness”
Ever been so tired with life that you literally didn’t feel like talking anymore? To anyone? About anything? I have. Surprisingly, you don’t even feel bad, per se, in that state. It’s when you get so detached from what’s going on with you and around you that the what follows is a) you stop caring, and b) you check out of engaging with life. ‘b)’ is a sensation I’m familiar with. It’s numbed out, ineffectual, indifferent to true preference or boundaries, because it doesn’t engage. ‘b)’ is when you stop taking care of yourself, let alone anything or anyone else. And when you’re in that space, there’s no acute pain, just numbness and an underlying sense that time is passing every day and you’re doing nothing.
I had a friend once who would deliver tirelessly on work that paid little and that she cared little about. She had real work ethic, so she could handle it, but I never say her apply it to what she cared about, whether that was an acting career, or an interest in healing. Her apt was always filthy, too, despite the fact that she had a kind heart at times. ( She helped me through a difficult time in my life, and I helped her clean her apt. I think she might’ve hated that I did that but I don’t remember. I have an issue with friends having messy apartments, I’ve been helping them clean their spaces since always. On a personal note, my own space tends to swing from immaculate to messy every three weeks or so, and it generally swings back and forth, although I prefer now for my living space to be clean about 80% of the time. We all get disorganized sometimes, and that’s ok.)
Anyway, the point is that this friend of mine functions from living in this ‘b)’ state. She can work hard, and does, so she’s definitely not lazy, but she refuses to apply that work ethic to what she actually wants. ( I am also guilty of doing this.) Fear of failure is a significant and legitimate reason to hesitate on doing something that truly matters to you. The scary thought is, ‘If I let myself be happy, how much worse will I feel, than I already do?’ If your baseline is kind of medium then it’s maybe not as scary. So, it’s important to stay at medium. Because you never know.
See Through Her, Kareful
Deejay Earl, That Footwork
Kelela, All The Way Down